Funny Jokes

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so. What  did   he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my cloths off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: The BASTARD!

(4 votes, average: 4.25 out of 5)

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1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

10: I’ve run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE

11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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The Maid asked for a pay raise.

Madam was very upset about this and asked:

-’Now Maria, why do you want an increase?’

-Maria: ‘Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you .

-’ Madam: ‘Who said you iron better than me?

-’Maria: ‘The Master said so.

-’Madam: ‘Oh.

-’Maria. ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

-’ Madam: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?

-’Maria: ‘The Master did.’ Madam.

-’Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.

-’ Madam (very upset now): ‘Did the Master say so as well?

-’Maria: ‘No Madam, the chauffeur did.

‘SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital in Washington D.C.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse

“I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die,” whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I’m IN IT TO WIN IT.”

Bill agreed–it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the old priest took Bill’s hand in his right hand and Hillary’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Bill Clinton spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

“Amen” said Bill.

“Amen” said Hillary.

The old priest continued…

“He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”

(4 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

(6 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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