A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13…….13…….13………13″ the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned ‘14………14………14…….14.’
(3 votes, average: 2.67 out of 5)
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One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin’ on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says “Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn’t it nice?” To which the other woman replies, “Oh that’s nice, that’s real nice.”
The first woman then says , “And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises.” The second woman again replies, “Oh that’s nice, that’s real nice.” “Well sweetheart doesn’t your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?” “Oh”, the second woman responds, “When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school.” “Why’d he do that?” the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies, “Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don’t give a f**k , but now I say that’s nice, that’s real nice.”
(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5) Loading ...
Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.
“How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the Kiwis.
“Watch and learn,” answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Tickets please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all!! “How are you all going to travel without any ticket?” says one perplexed Kiwi. “Watch and learn,” answers an Aussie.
When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5) Loading ...
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?……..a stick
(3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5) Loading ...
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
(5 votes, average: 4.2 out of 5) Loading ...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...
