Funny Jokes

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

10: I’ve run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE

11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve’

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?” a secretary, walking by, asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

(4 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.” The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.” The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

(4 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.” “Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”

(3 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”

“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?” “It’s called the door!”

(5 votes, average: 2.8 out of 5)

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The Pope flew into an airport for a meeting within a few minutes. His limo driver takes off and the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting. The Pope asks the driver to switch places and the Pope will drive. They take off again and the limo is stopped by a cop. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios to headquarters. He tells the chief he’s got a pretty important person on his hands. The chief asks “Is he more important than the mayor?” Cop says yes. Chief asks ” Is he more important than the governor?” Cop says yes. Chief asks “Is he more important than the President?” Cop says yes. Chief asks “How important can he be” Cop says “I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope for a driver.

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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