Funny Jokes

Boy: “Dad, what’s the difference between theoretically and realistically?”

Dad: “Go and ask your mother if she’ll sleep with the milkman for £2 million”

The boy goes and asks his mother and returns to his father.

Dad: “Well?”

Boy: “She said of course she would.”

Dad: “Now go and ask your sister if she’ll sleep with the postman for £1 million”

Again the boy goes off and asks his sister if she would sleep with the postman for £1 million and returns to his father with the answer that she indeed would.

Dad: “See, here’s the difference. Theoretically we’re sitting on £3 million but realistically we’re just living with two sluts!”

(6 votes, average: 4.17 out of 5)

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A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No.”

“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed,

“I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”

(7 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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16+ 

On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn’t let all thatexpensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into theempty bottles.
However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.He screamed to his wife, “Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN’T?!?”

(4 votes, average: 3.75 out of 5)

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18+

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

(3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)

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18+

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?
“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence!

(11 votes, average: 4.91 out of 5)

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