A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied “They are brain pills…they make you smart.”
The bartender says excitedly, “Give me one.” He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn’t feel any smarter.
“You probably didn’t take enough.” So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.
Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. “Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!”
“See,” says the drunk, “you’re getting smarter already.”
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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk… I mean really really really DRUNK. When the bar closed he got up to go home, and as he stumbled out of the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. Soooo he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well, the nun was really surprised…but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……
“Not very fuckin’ strong tonight, ARE YOU BATMAN?!”
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A Frenchman, an American and an Australian were in a bar.
The Frenchman says “My name’s is Pierre, I come from Paris and I have a swimming pool so big that I need a motor boat to travel from one end to the other!”
The American says “My name’s Chuck, I come from Dallas and I have a ranch so big that it takes me two days to drive around it !”
The Australian says “My names Bruce, I come from Sydney and I’ve got an 18″ penis !”
The Frenchman and the American look at each other and then the Frenchman says “OK. OK. I lied. My pool is really just Olympic size.” The American says “Yeah, well, I lied too. My ranch really isn’t all that big.”
The Australian says “Ok. I admit that I lied as well. I really come from Adelaide !”
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A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they’re playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.
He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.
So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point.
All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his dick up Larry’s ass.
Larry jumps and says, “What the hell did you do that for?”
The man answers, “I was trying to block the extra point!!!”
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A man walks into a bar and notices a huge pot filled with money sitting in the corner. He asks the bartender about it and the bartender tells him it’s the prize for a contest.
“You pay 5 bucks for a chance to win the pot, and to win it you have to do three things” says the bartender. “First, you have to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Second, there’s a pit bull out back who has an abscessed tooth. You have to pull the bad tooth from his mouth. Last, you have to go upstairs to the bedroom. Up there is the owner’s mother. She’s 90 years old, and hasn’t had an orgasm in 30 years If you can make her come, the money’s yours.”
The guy decides to try it and tosses his five bucks in the pot. He walks up to the bouncer and decks the monster with a single punch. Then he goes out back. Soon everyone in the bar hears growling, barking, and yelling, followed by whimpering sounds.
The fellow strolls back into the bar with his clothes ripped up, covered with scratches and bites. “That’s two down!” he says. “Now where’s that old broad with the abscessed tooth?”
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A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender brings it to him and asks “Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps”.
The guy says “Well, I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work tofollow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!”
“Wow, that must have been hard!” the bartender says “What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?”
The guy at the bar replies “Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!”
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(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5)